The Wonderful World of Why’s: Providing Answers Beyond “Because I Said So!”
My daughter: Why are the birds so loud?
Me: They are chirping.
My daughter: Why?
Me: Because just like we talk, chirping is how birds communicate and “talk.”
My daughter: Why?
Me: Their family wants to know where they are and if they need something.
My daughter: But why?
Me: Because their family cares about them.
My daughter: Why?
Me: Doesn’t your Mommy and Daddy care about you?
…And on and on and on.
Welcome to a day in my life. The questions of “why” are endless, and so too is my desire for a glass of wine. While there are only so many ways I can either extend my child’s learning or answer the same question with various explanations, I have come to understand and appreciate that my daughter’s endless inquiries are a direct result of her innate curiosity. This curiosity stems from a place of wanting to make sense of the world around her, and while I am by no means a walking encyclopedia or Google app, I do try my hardest to provide her with honest and correct information. Although I’m not so sure about the birds chirping explanation.
Judaism teaches us to be active participants in our own learning. We are encouraged to ask questions to get us to think deeper and to challenge ourselves. So, if the Torah encourages us to keep asking questions, I realized I had to find a way to not stifle my daughter’s curiosity, but answer her in a more meaningful way.
It took me awhile to realize that the above dialogue about birds chirping went nowhere because I wasn’t really validating my daughter’s feelings or questions. I have found the secret to a more satisfying dialogue is when I acknowledge, “Wow. You are asking some wonderful questions. It sounds like you are really interested in birds.” This type of validation seems to resonate with her because she feels I “get her” and where she is coming from. I have found this to be the most positive initial response.
Below are a few additional suggestions on how to respond to your child’s endless interrogations:
- Provide immediate, simple, honest, and concrete answers.
- If you are not sure, say so, and include your child in the process of researching the answer with you.
- Use age appropriate language. This helps your child expand their vocabulary and knowledge about their world.
- Get an understanding of what your child knows already by encouraging them to answer their own questions, “What do you think?” Sometimes this helps you figure out where you need to start.
So while the questions may seem ongoing, overwhelming, and quite frankly, annoying at times, I am committed to doing my best to engage my daughter in these valuable and reciprocal conversations. My hope is that my willingness to answer, validate, and reassure her, will ultimately create a comfortable environment so when she gets older and has even more challenging questions to ask, she will feel safe coming to me…and I am guessing my need for a glass of wine at those times will only increase!
by Rachel Schwartz, LCSW, Director of Social Services for JCC Chicago